Oh my gosh, oh damn it hurts. It hurts so much. I hate this feeling. Why can't i just get over it. Why cant i just forget it. Why can't it be erased from my memory.
I don't wanna go home. I don't wanna be near anything that reminds me. I just want to sleep. I really want to sleep.
Serenity, peace, joy. Where have you gone to. Where has the motivation to fight gone to. Where? I just want to feel that comfort and settle-ness within me. Oh how i wish i could run away from this place. Run far away from these miseries. I don't want to be emotional all the time. I don't want to have to keep all the hurt and tears welled up inside me. I don't want to block everyone out. I don't want to be so weak. No, i want to fight and be strong. To bring back that will for me to go on.
I want to give up. I really just want to give up. But i know that isn't what he brought me up to be. To be a loser. No he did not, but im so sorry dad, i just can't go on. I'm sorry, i just really want to give up.
I want to cry my heart out. Release all the pain. Every nook and cranny that reminds me of him brings up that wave of emotions which i push away with all i can to face the people around me. Its tiring. It's really tiring. I feel too vulnerable. I'm just too tired.
I really just want to give up.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Sleepless nights
Oh gosh, i'm so tired. I watch many movies and videos every night, hoping they will make me sleepy.
On saturday night, a Pastor came to our house to 'check up on us' and to explain to us the many stages of grieve we might go through. He asked us to try and identify the types of grieve we were going through and kept within myself, i knew that i am in the denial, angry and forgetful stages. He told us that it was okay to act like this and be human.
He also said that we should not make rash decision and stuff like that. We were to watch out for each other as our character or personalities might 'change'. I don't exactly believe but yet i will still take precaution i guesss...
It surprises me how happy i can feel one minute and then dreadfully awful when i suddenly remember the next minute. Man, i feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I'm quite confused and aimless right now in typing all these. I don't know where i am heading.
Just now in the car, i was thinking of all the missed childhood times with my dad because he was facing a great obstacle at that time and i always and still have the feeling that he doesn't love me as much. I was angry that i couldn't gain his love anymore because i felt lack of it. I hated right there and then of that thought and a sudden memory came to me. It hit me like a bullet train and i felt all limp, my focus was split and i had a hard time trying to stay on the road and reach home before i had another breakdown. Why didn't i see it before? Why didn't i remember it before. Oh i feel so guilty and stupid. It never occurred to me how different his way of showing his love to me. I hate myself i wished i could just give up going on.
I was such a embarrassment. Yet he still called me his child. Yet, i didn't make him proud but disappointed him. Too late now to try anything because its just too late.
Daddy, i wish you could be here. I wake up every morning wishing to hear your voice and blessing before i go out everyday. It's no longer there. You're no longer here. Yet, you are everywhere.
Dear Daddy,
I wonder how you are now. I wonder where you are now. I wonder who is seeing your smile now. I wonder who is hearing your blessing now. I wonder, i just wonder... If you can still hear me, see me and be proud of me. I need your support and motivation to go on. I feel like giving up because you are no longer here. Daddy, i really really want you back...
Your baby girl..
On saturday night, a Pastor came to our house to 'check up on us' and to explain to us the many stages of grieve we might go through. He asked us to try and identify the types of grieve we were going through and kept within myself, i knew that i am in the denial, angry and forgetful stages. He told us that it was okay to act like this and be human.
He also said that we should not make rash decision and stuff like that. We were to watch out for each other as our character or personalities might 'change'. I don't exactly believe but yet i will still take precaution i guesss...
It surprises me how happy i can feel one minute and then dreadfully awful when i suddenly remember the next minute. Man, i feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I'm quite confused and aimless right now in typing all these. I don't know where i am heading.
Just now in the car, i was thinking of all the missed childhood times with my dad because he was facing a great obstacle at that time and i always and still have the feeling that he doesn't love me as much. I was angry that i couldn't gain his love anymore because i felt lack of it. I hated right there and then of that thought and a sudden memory came to me. It hit me like a bullet train and i felt all limp, my focus was split and i had a hard time trying to stay on the road and reach home before i had another breakdown. Why didn't i see it before? Why didn't i remember it before. Oh i feel so guilty and stupid. It never occurred to me how different his way of showing his love to me. I hate myself i wished i could just give up going on.
I was such a embarrassment. Yet he still called me his child. Yet, i didn't make him proud but disappointed him. Too late now to try anything because its just too late.
Daddy, i wish you could be here. I wake up every morning wishing to hear your voice and blessing before i go out everyday. It's no longer there. You're no longer here. Yet, you are everywhere.
Dear Daddy,
I wonder how you are now. I wonder where you are now. I wonder who is seeing your smile now. I wonder who is hearing your blessing now. I wonder, i just wonder... If you can still hear me, see me and be proud of me. I need your support and motivation to go on. I feel like giving up because you are no longer here. Daddy, i really really want you back...
Your baby girl..
Friday, September 7, 2012
Vivid
The vivid memory, i wish i could take away.
Today was a roller coaster, mostly down and im hitting a breaking point. Yet, life goes on. People move on no matter what happens to them or you. Everything goes on and although sometimes you scream for a pause button, life just ignores you and goes on without any sympathy.
Today i did many things that reminded me of him. As time goes by, more and more things i do everyday reminds me of a old or forgotten or recent memory of him. Its normal for people to appreciate things more when it is no longer there.
I committed myself back to many activities. Worked extra and did my best to line up activities to keep myself busy and packed. But today, the tiredness and grief overpowered me, forcing me to rethink my readiness to accept all that is happening. To rethink my decisions. To rethink my actions. Am i ready to accept and move on with the pace life is bringing me now? The year is ending and yet there are so many things i have left undone. Am i ready to take on new or left behind responsibilities? I keep lying to myself that i have accepted and its time to move with the life pace, but how long can the lies cover what i truly feel? Gosh i hate this, feeling all emotional and being exposed and vulnerable. It frightens me. Makes me feel insecure and naked for everyone to see the insides of me.
A vivid memory i would want to forget to make things easier, yet i can never forget because i cherish it too much.
Today was a roller coaster, mostly down and im hitting a breaking point. Yet, life goes on. People move on no matter what happens to them or you. Everything goes on and although sometimes you scream for a pause button, life just ignores you and goes on without any sympathy.
Today i did many things that reminded me of him. As time goes by, more and more things i do everyday reminds me of a old or forgotten or recent memory of him. Its normal for people to appreciate things more when it is no longer there.
I committed myself back to many activities. Worked extra and did my best to line up activities to keep myself busy and packed. But today, the tiredness and grief overpowered me, forcing me to rethink my readiness to accept all that is happening. To rethink my decisions. To rethink my actions. Am i ready to accept and move on with the pace life is bringing me now? The year is ending and yet there are so many things i have left undone. Am i ready to take on new or left behind responsibilities? I keep lying to myself that i have accepted and its time to move with the life pace, but how long can the lies cover what i truly feel? Gosh i hate this, feeling all emotional and being exposed and vulnerable. It frightens me. Makes me feel insecure and naked for everyone to see the insides of me.
A vivid memory i would want to forget to make things easier, yet i can never forget because i cherish it too much.
Monday, September 3, 2012
mint
Today i ate chocolate mint cake. The only type of cake i like besides oreo cheese cake.
He always looked forward to eat the chocolate mint cake i brought home from ficelle when i use to work there last time. He would share it with me, knowing i loved that cake just as much as he did. I remember when i came home late after a tiring work day with another box of that choc mint cake, i felt disappointed that he was already asleep, so i put it into the fridge. The next morning before i left for work, i told him about the cake and he walked stealthily to the fridge and took the cake, pretending he wasn't excited about it.
Although he is a money saver and thinks twice before buying anything, he would sometimes give in into temptation and buy one of his favourite delights, ' after-eight '. Thats the only choc i like and i remember using my pocket money to buy him a big box of it and got a super short lecture about using my money wisely before he opened the package almost instantly and popped one into his mouth, explaining to me how one should savour the chocolate and not simply chewing the whole thing like i always do.
Almost everything i do now, makes me remember something of him. Things i used to overlook and thought i had the time to have more.
He always looked forward to eat the chocolate mint cake i brought home from ficelle when i use to work there last time. He would share it with me, knowing i loved that cake just as much as he did. I remember when i came home late after a tiring work day with another box of that choc mint cake, i felt disappointed that he was already asleep, so i put it into the fridge. The next morning before i left for work, i told him about the cake and he walked stealthily to the fridge and took the cake, pretending he wasn't excited about it.
Although he is a money saver and thinks twice before buying anything, he would sometimes give in into temptation and buy one of his favourite delights, ' after-eight '. Thats the only choc i like and i remember using my pocket money to buy him a big box of it and got a super short lecture about using my money wisely before he opened the package almost instantly and popped one into his mouth, explaining to me how one should savour the chocolate and not simply chewing the whole thing like i always do.
Almost everything i do now, makes me remember something of him. Things i used to overlook and thought i had the time to have more.
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