Taking chances

I have reached a point of my life where i never thought i would ever need to. Looking back at all the years of decisions and dilemmas, they were like kid decisions!

I honestly don't know how to express this feeling of mine. I don't know how to string words together that can explain or even describe my thoughts. As time has passed, i realize how immature my beliefs and thoughts were. How i thought things were forever. How i believed i never had to leave. So many thoughts and beliefs that i'm embarassed to mention. So many which i cannot put into words. Some which i don't know how to word them. 

I never really told anyone how i felt about leaving. I just said i was heavy hearted. Thinking back the many nights when i had to decide what was best and which i had to sacrifice although the answer was obvious. The nights i have soaked my pillow. The nights i stayed up to try to put everything in order and do my last duty before passing over what i was trusted upon. The nights i kept regretting pushing aside my responsibility thinking i had much more time to perfect it and do a good job.The nights where i chided myself for keeping silent on my opinions just because i thought they were not good enough and i was never confident enough to reach my points over. The nights i felt guilty for not building a stronger relationship with them and knowing no matter how much time i spend with them, they might never remember me or that i might never be able to motivate them to stay on or even be someone they can count on. I always thought i had time to warm up into my position and one day be better than what i have been being. Deciding this was so hard and hurtful and tearful because i was leaving behind the world i believe in, the world which was my second home, the world where i fell and stood, the world which made me more confident, the world which made me stronger, the world where i have many people i love.. How can i even state all of them ? However, one of the most important thing was, i'm leaving the world the world which actually believed i could be someone and a world that gave me a chance to be better when i didn't even have faith that i could do it. 

This world was where i learnt to stand up straight, holding my head high without being ashamed of my physical appearance. This was where i learnt to walk without dragging my feet. This was where i learnt to work with people although i preferred working alone. They taught me that winning was not everything. This world brought so many different characters into my life. Some which have inspired me to be better and stood by me when i kept falling down. This place was where i first felt belong. The place that accepted me for who i was. The place that gave me a chance to prove myself better than being just nothing. 

Like i said, i always thought i had a lot of time in this place. I always thought i had more time to spend with the characters. I always thought i never will leave this place. I always thought i would be the only loser that stayed back because everyone would have been gone by then. 

Making this decision was so hard for me. People may think that i'm stupid for wanting to stay. People may think that this would be one of the best decisions i have made. But what people for the matter will never understand is what this place mean to me. I don't know how to explain and i don't think i ever will. The many times i have soaked my pillow and end up getting headaches when i wake up makes me even more heavy hearted each time. Will i ever let this go ? I'm a person who holds on to things very tightly and rarely let go until super long. Sigh, no matter what i write, i don't think i can really describe how i feel and think. 

I should stop typing. I can go on typing all until my tears dry up and fingers ache but i still have to face the reality soon. I just don't know how soon is it. 

Reality is scary.

Lies.

Have you ever felt like something was not right, yet the other person assures you it is?

Have you ever, even after the assurance, still feel like something is not right?

Maybe it's women's intuition, maybe its just coincidence. Honestly, i don't know what it is. What i know is that, it hurts and makes you feel really agitated and moody. 

Finding out truths about someone or somethings can be fun and really fills your curiosity jar most of the time ! Truths can be so comforting, yet disturbing. Truths can be joyful, yet hurtful too. 

Finding out truth can be really dangerous. You just don't know what you might find or what you might discover on the way. Especially if you find out the hard way. 

Yet telling people the truth sometimes takes a lot of courage. Takes a lot of guts to tell people something about yourself that probably only you know about it. Sharing that truth sometimes causes people to change perceptions of you and to the extreme, keep a distance from you too. 

Today. 

I didn't stumble on the truth about something. It was painted right in front of my eyes. Boy did it hurt ! Finding out that way and only after, really makes my stomach churn and the burning feeling to my eyes. 

Push push push ! Sleep it off and push it away from my thoughts. Too many things to focus on this week. Too many things to juggle with this week. I can't afford to lose focus at this moment. What's the use of moping around in self pity and hurt , messing up schedules and datelines? No, i will focus and forget about this. I used to care, used to confront and used to drama all over it. I actually would have, but priority wins. Focus! Because it is more worth it.