Sleepless nights

Oh gosh, i'm so tired. I watch many movies and videos every night, hoping they will make me sleepy.

On saturday night, a Pastor came to our house to 'check up on us' and to explain to us the many stages of grieve we might go through. He asked us to try and identify the types of grieve we were going through and kept within myself, i knew that i am in the denial, angry and forgetful stages. He told us that it was okay to act like this and be human.

He also said that we should not make rash decision and stuff like that. We were to watch out for each other as our character or personalities might 'change'. I don't exactly believe but yet i will still take precaution i guesss...

It surprises me how happy i can feel one minute and then dreadfully awful when i suddenly remember the next minute. Man, i feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I'm quite confused and aimless right now in typing all these. I don't know where i am heading.

Just now in the car, i was thinking of all the missed childhood times with my dad because he was facing a great obstacle at that time and i always and still have the feeling that he doesn't love me as much. I was angry that i couldn't gain his love anymore because i felt lack of it. I hated right there and then of that thought and a sudden memory came to me. It hit me like a bullet train and i felt all limp, my focus was split and i had a hard time trying to stay on the road and reach home before i had another breakdown. Why didn't i see it before? Why didn't i remember it before. Oh i feel so guilty and stupid. It never occurred to me how different his way of showing his love to me. I hate myself i wished i could just give up going on.

I was such a embarrassment. Yet he still called me his child. Yet, i didn't make him proud but disappointed him. Too late now to try anything because its just too late.

Daddy, i wish you could be here. I wake up every morning wishing to hear your voice and blessing before i go out everyday. It's no longer there. You're no longer here. Yet, you are everywhere.

Dear Daddy,

I wonder how you are now. I wonder where you are now. I wonder who is seeing your smile now. I wonder who is hearing your blessing now. I wonder, i just wonder... If you can still hear me, see me and be proud of me. I need your support and motivation to go on. I feel like giving up because you are no longer here. Daddy, i really really want you back...

Your baby girl..