Wide awake

Loss. How do people contain the emotions and feelings when loss comes? How is it that people can just move on with life as if nothing has happened? How can some people pretend that it was okay and it doesn't hurt?

When it all started, i dread going home because i couldn't take the sight of pain he was feeling. I forced myself home knowing that as each day pass, it was closer to his last. Now that he has gone, i dread even more to turn that doorknob into my house knowing he wont be there to greet or smile at me. I still forced myself home knowing she needed the support and didn't need another matter to worry about. 

Just as i was about to give up going on strong, i saw a Facebook post. I usually don't like trending posts, but it hit me right at the spot. I still had Him. It doesn't hurt less. It doesn't get any easier. It doesn't make me forget the emptiness i feel. But nevertheless, He is holding my hand. 

I won't lie that there are times when i forget about the pain and get all happy. But the moment i remember, i feel all guilty for being happy. I won't lie that every time someone asks me how i am, i WILL lie and say i am okay when im actually dreading to feel what i avoid. I put up a smile but deep down i feel guilty for lying to some of my closest friends which i should be able to open up to. 

It hurts less when you joke about it. Forcing myself to be less selfish when all i want is to be. Wishing he was still here although i know he is in a better place. 

Crying when i should have been rejoicing when i saw my results. Remembering how i was desperate for my results to come out during his last days so i could let him see that he didn't have to worry about me. The irony when it came out one day after he left. It was all useless. Felt nothing but anger and disappointment.

Sleep has been deprived as i try making myself as tired as i can to fall asleep. Sleeping with my mom with an excuse of accompanying her but deep down its because it makes me feel closer to him. I'm wide awake, wishing i could just close my eyes.

It's now clear to me, that everything i saw and thought was not what it seemed. I'm falling from cloud 9. It's like a dream, yet im wide awake and i find myself falling and crashing on concrete. 

Sigh. 

But i will put on a smile. I know he would want me to be happy. Because when i think back, he was always there, and right now he still is. 

Surreal

I can't believe still you are gone
Wake me up from this slumber
And perhaps, just perhaps
I will find 'twas a mere dream

Yet, I awake every time
To discover
Your presence has fled this earth
And I startle to life
Only to weep my heart out

At this strange event

Real sleep comes, but rare
I rove the world or words instead
Searching for ways to write my soul
And set free my bleeding heart

I know you will tell me not to cry
I know you are happy at Home
But i cannot dismiss
Years of memories
For a demise.

                                      Magdalene