Vivid

The vivid memory, i wish i could take away.

Today was a roller coaster, mostly down and im hitting a breaking point. Yet, life goes on. People move on no matter what happens to them or you. Everything goes on and although sometimes you scream for a pause button, life just ignores you and goes on without any sympathy.

Today i did many things that reminded me of him. As time goes by, more and more things i do everyday reminds me of a old or forgotten or recent memory of him. Its normal for people to appreciate things more when it is no longer there.

I committed myself back to many activities. Worked extra and did my best to line up activities to keep myself busy and packed. But today, the tiredness and grief overpowered me, forcing me to rethink my readiness to accept all that is happening. To rethink my decisions. To rethink my actions. Am i ready to accept and move on with the pace life is bringing me now? The year is ending and yet there are so many things i have left undone. Am i ready to take on new or left behind responsibilities? I keep lying to myself that i have accepted and its time to move with the life pace, but how long can the lies cover what i truly feel? Gosh i hate this, feeling all emotional and being exposed and vulnerable. It frightens me. Makes me feel insecure and naked for everyone to see the insides of me.

A vivid memory i would want to forget to make things easier, yet i can never forget because i cherish it too much.