mint

Today i ate chocolate mint cake. The only type of cake i like besides oreo cheese cake.

He always looked forward to eat the chocolate mint cake i brought home from ficelle when i use to work there last time. He would share it with me, knowing i loved that cake just as much as he did. I remember when i came home late after a tiring work day with another box of that choc mint cake, i felt disappointed that he was already asleep, so i put it into the fridge. The next morning before i left for work, i told him about the cake and he walked stealthily to the fridge and took the cake, pretending he wasn't excited about it.

Although he is a money saver and thinks twice before buying anything, he would sometimes give in into temptation and buy one of his favourite delights, ' after-eight '. Thats the only choc i like and i remember using my pocket money to buy him a big box of it and got a super short lecture about using my money wisely before he opened the package almost instantly and popped one into his mouth, explaining to me how one should savour the chocolate and not simply chewing the whole thing like i always do.

Almost everything i do now, makes me remember something of him. Things i used to overlook and thought i had the time to have more.

Wide awake

Loss. How do people contain the emotions and feelings when loss comes? How is it that people can just move on with life as if nothing has happened? How can some people pretend that it was okay and it doesn't hurt?

When it all started, i dread going home because i couldn't take the sight of pain he was feeling. I forced myself home knowing that as each day pass, it was closer to his last. Now that he has gone, i dread even more to turn that doorknob into my house knowing he wont be there to greet or smile at me. I still forced myself home knowing she needed the support and didn't need another matter to worry about. 

Just as i was about to give up going on strong, i saw a Facebook post. I usually don't like trending posts, but it hit me right at the spot. I still had Him. It doesn't hurt less. It doesn't get any easier. It doesn't make me forget the emptiness i feel. But nevertheless, He is holding my hand. 

I won't lie that there are times when i forget about the pain and get all happy. But the moment i remember, i feel all guilty for being happy. I won't lie that every time someone asks me how i am, i WILL lie and say i am okay when im actually dreading to feel what i avoid. I put up a smile but deep down i feel guilty for lying to some of my closest friends which i should be able to open up to. 

It hurts less when you joke about it. Forcing myself to be less selfish when all i want is to be. Wishing he was still here although i know he is in a better place. 

Crying when i should have been rejoicing when i saw my results. Remembering how i was desperate for my results to come out during his last days so i could let him see that he didn't have to worry about me. The irony when it came out one day after he left. It was all useless. Felt nothing but anger and disappointment.

Sleep has been deprived as i try making myself as tired as i can to fall asleep. Sleeping with my mom with an excuse of accompanying her but deep down its because it makes me feel closer to him. I'm wide awake, wishing i could just close my eyes.

It's now clear to me, that everything i saw and thought was not what it seemed. I'm falling from cloud 9. It's like a dream, yet im wide awake and i find myself falling and crashing on concrete. 

Sigh. 

But i will put on a smile. I know he would want me to be happy. Because when i think back, he was always there, and right now he still is. 

Surreal

I can't believe still you are gone
Wake me up from this slumber
And perhaps, just perhaps
I will find 'twas a mere dream

Yet, I awake every time
To discover
Your presence has fled this earth
And I startle to life
Only to weep my heart out

At this strange event

Real sleep comes, but rare
I rove the world or words instead
Searching for ways to write my soul
And set free my bleeding heart

I know you will tell me not to cry
I know you are happy at Home
But i cannot dismiss
Years of memories
For a demise.

                                      Magdalene

Work Based Study

I actually have a post about what i'm currently doing and updates and details about the title above, but it's never finished coz its just so much that i fall asleep typing in the end due to exhaustion.

So anyway,

These past two days, i have been carrying real heavy stuff which i shouldn't be. ( Yes yes i know, it's my own fault ) But i don't wanna like stand there being so helpless and watch ppl luge heavy boxes around right.. SO yea, there is a wedding coming up in our uni. Until know i still can't figure out why the couple wants to have it in the school. Is it really because of the price? For what i know, chinese usually like to show status and wealth thru weddings. How did the groom convince his parents and parents-in-law? I really am dumbed out on his reason. Anyway! Because of him, the upstairs managerial ppl have been having lotsa meetings. For us? Boxes of chinaware has been arriving. So we have to carry all of them into the prep kitchen to store. Honestly, i don't know why they didnt ask the delivery people to carry them for us. I mean, im sure they have the brawns more than us right. Oh wells.Plus it was RAINING , so we were all wet and so afraid we'd slip. I wasn't afraid of breaking them! They were so heavy, i was afraid they would fall on my leg and break it ! It took four people to carry one crate and there were 15 crates more or less. Well, it is chinaware.

The day before, we had a buffet function for the SPE ( Society of Petroleum Engineers ) and we worked from 9-12 to prep the restaurant. Usually we would eat at around 11, but we had no time so we just worked all the way til 3. I was so hungry by then, i could eat a cow ! In between i have been stuffing buns into my mouth just to keep my stomach from growling and to avoid gastric. So yup, we had to carry all the heavy silver buffet thingies. I thought they were light, but oh my ! They are not ! Not as heavy as the chinaware, but heavy enough to require two people to carry. There were 6, so we had to go back and forth 6 times. By the 3rd one, my arms already felt like jelly. I really need to work out from now on.

But all in all, i'm pretty much contented now =) Although sometimes people make fun or talk about how old i am and still doing a diploma, really? It use to hurt, to make me feel angry. However, right now, i am happy with myself. Who cares what they think? At least i'm doing something! It's better than nothing. Plus, i'm doing something i actually like. And i still look young =P They all think im 18-19 anyway... Well until they asked me. I still say i'm 21 =D I AM 21!

Ah, one day i will look back at this post and be happy with myself. When i have achieved my goal, i will look back and be happy that i didn't back down. It's never too late to start. Just as long as you are determined to do it =) AND yes i have to go sleep now, if not i'll have no strength to work tomorrow. Nights bloggy /:O

peaceful Ninja

Im fighting back the urge to frighten and awake her =P

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