Fort

Oh my gosh, oh damn it hurts. It hurts so much. I hate this feeling. Why can't i just get over it. Why cant i just forget it. Why can't it be erased from my memory.

I don't wanna go home. I don't wanna be near anything that reminds me. I just want to sleep. I really want to sleep.

Serenity, peace, joy. Where have you gone to. Where has the motivation to fight gone to. Where? I just want to feel that comfort and settle-ness within me. Oh how i wish i could run away from this place. Run far away from these miseries. I don't want to be emotional all the time. I don't want to have to keep all the hurt and tears welled up inside me. I don't want to block everyone out. I don't want to be so weak. No, i want to fight and be strong. To bring back that will for me to go on.

I want to give up. I really just want to give up. But i know that isn't what he brought me up to be. To be a loser. No he did not, but im so sorry dad, i just can't go on. I'm sorry, i just really want to give up.

I want to cry my heart out. Release all the pain. Every nook and cranny that reminds me of him brings up that wave of emotions which i push away with all i can to face the people around me. Its tiring. It's really tiring. I feel too vulnerable. I'm just too tired.

I really just want to give up.

Sleepless nights

Oh gosh, i'm so tired. I watch many movies and videos every night, hoping they will make me sleepy.

On saturday night, a Pastor came to our house to 'check up on us' and to explain to us the many stages of grieve we might go through. He asked us to try and identify the types of grieve we were going through and kept within myself, i knew that i am in the denial, angry and forgetful stages. He told us that it was okay to act like this and be human.

He also said that we should not make rash decision and stuff like that. We were to watch out for each other as our character or personalities might 'change'. I don't exactly believe but yet i will still take precaution i guesss...

It surprises me how happy i can feel one minute and then dreadfully awful when i suddenly remember the next minute. Man, i feel like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.

I'm quite confused and aimless right now in typing all these. I don't know where i am heading.

Just now in the car, i was thinking of all the missed childhood times with my dad because he was facing a great obstacle at that time and i always and still have the feeling that he doesn't love me as much. I was angry that i couldn't gain his love anymore because i felt lack of it. I hated right there and then of that thought and a sudden memory came to me. It hit me like a bullet train and i felt all limp, my focus was split and i had a hard time trying to stay on the road and reach home before i had another breakdown. Why didn't i see it before? Why didn't i remember it before. Oh i feel so guilty and stupid. It never occurred to me how different his way of showing his love to me. I hate myself i wished i could just give up going on.

I was such a embarrassment. Yet he still called me his child. Yet, i didn't make him proud but disappointed him. Too late now to try anything because its just too late.

Daddy, i wish you could be here. I wake up every morning wishing to hear your voice and blessing before i go out everyday. It's no longer there. You're no longer here. Yet, you are everywhere.

Dear Daddy,

I wonder how you are now. I wonder where you are now. I wonder who is seeing your smile now. I wonder who is hearing your blessing now. I wonder, i just wonder... If you can still hear me, see me and be proud of me. I need your support and motivation to go on. I feel like giving up because you are no longer here. Daddy, i really really want you back...

Your baby girl..

Vivid

The vivid memory, i wish i could take away.

Today was a roller coaster, mostly down and im hitting a breaking point. Yet, life goes on. People move on no matter what happens to them or you. Everything goes on and although sometimes you scream for a pause button, life just ignores you and goes on without any sympathy.

Today i did many things that reminded me of him. As time goes by, more and more things i do everyday reminds me of a old or forgotten or recent memory of him. Its normal for people to appreciate things more when it is no longer there.

I committed myself back to many activities. Worked extra and did my best to line up activities to keep myself busy and packed. But today, the tiredness and grief overpowered me, forcing me to rethink my readiness to accept all that is happening. To rethink my decisions. To rethink my actions. Am i ready to accept and move on with the pace life is bringing me now? The year is ending and yet there are so many things i have left undone. Am i ready to take on new or left behind responsibilities? I keep lying to myself that i have accepted and its time to move with the life pace, but how long can the lies cover what i truly feel? Gosh i hate this, feeling all emotional and being exposed and vulnerable. It frightens me. Makes me feel insecure and naked for everyone to see the insides of me.

A vivid memory i would want to forget to make things easier, yet i can never forget because i cherish it too much.

mint

Today i ate chocolate mint cake. The only type of cake i like besides oreo cheese cake.

He always looked forward to eat the chocolate mint cake i brought home from ficelle when i use to work there last time. He would share it with me, knowing i loved that cake just as much as he did. I remember when i came home late after a tiring work day with another box of that choc mint cake, i felt disappointed that he was already asleep, so i put it into the fridge. The next morning before i left for work, i told him about the cake and he walked stealthily to the fridge and took the cake, pretending he wasn't excited about it.

Although he is a money saver and thinks twice before buying anything, he would sometimes give in into temptation and buy one of his favourite delights, ' after-eight '. Thats the only choc i like and i remember using my pocket money to buy him a big box of it and got a super short lecture about using my money wisely before he opened the package almost instantly and popped one into his mouth, explaining to me how one should savour the chocolate and not simply chewing the whole thing like i always do.

Almost everything i do now, makes me remember something of him. Things i used to overlook and thought i had the time to have more.

Wide awake

Loss. How do people contain the emotions and feelings when loss comes? How is it that people can just move on with life as if nothing has happened? How can some people pretend that it was okay and it doesn't hurt?

When it all started, i dread going home because i couldn't take the sight of pain he was feeling. I forced myself home knowing that as each day pass, it was closer to his last. Now that he has gone, i dread even more to turn that doorknob into my house knowing he wont be there to greet or smile at me. I still forced myself home knowing she needed the support and didn't need another matter to worry about. 

Just as i was about to give up going on strong, i saw a Facebook post. I usually don't like trending posts, but it hit me right at the spot. I still had Him. It doesn't hurt less. It doesn't get any easier. It doesn't make me forget the emptiness i feel. But nevertheless, He is holding my hand. 

I won't lie that there are times when i forget about the pain and get all happy. But the moment i remember, i feel all guilty for being happy. I won't lie that every time someone asks me how i am, i WILL lie and say i am okay when im actually dreading to feel what i avoid. I put up a smile but deep down i feel guilty for lying to some of my closest friends which i should be able to open up to. 

It hurts less when you joke about it. Forcing myself to be less selfish when all i want is to be. Wishing he was still here although i know he is in a better place. 

Crying when i should have been rejoicing when i saw my results. Remembering how i was desperate for my results to come out during his last days so i could let him see that he didn't have to worry about me. The irony when it came out one day after he left. It was all useless. Felt nothing but anger and disappointment.

Sleep has been deprived as i try making myself as tired as i can to fall asleep. Sleeping with my mom with an excuse of accompanying her but deep down its because it makes me feel closer to him. I'm wide awake, wishing i could just close my eyes.

It's now clear to me, that everything i saw and thought was not what it seemed. I'm falling from cloud 9. It's like a dream, yet im wide awake and i find myself falling and crashing on concrete. 

Sigh. 

But i will put on a smile. I know he would want me to be happy. Because when i think back, he was always there, and right now he still is. 

Surreal

I can't believe still you are gone
Wake me up from this slumber
And perhaps, just perhaps
I will find 'twas a mere dream

Yet, I awake every time
To discover
Your presence has fled this earth
And I startle to life
Only to weep my heart out

At this strange event

Real sleep comes, but rare
I rove the world or words instead
Searching for ways to write my soul
And set free my bleeding heart

I know you will tell me not to cry
I know you are happy at Home
But i cannot dismiss
Years of memories
For a demise.

                                      Magdalene

Work Based Study

I actually have a post about what i'm currently doing and updates and details about the title above, but it's never finished coz its just so much that i fall asleep typing in the end due to exhaustion.

So anyway,

These past two days, i have been carrying real heavy stuff which i shouldn't be. ( Yes yes i know, it's my own fault ) But i don't wanna like stand there being so helpless and watch ppl luge heavy boxes around right.. SO yea, there is a wedding coming up in our uni. Until know i still can't figure out why the couple wants to have it in the school. Is it really because of the price? For what i know, chinese usually like to show status and wealth thru weddings. How did the groom convince his parents and parents-in-law? I really am dumbed out on his reason. Anyway! Because of him, the upstairs managerial ppl have been having lotsa meetings. For us? Boxes of chinaware has been arriving. So we have to carry all of them into the prep kitchen to store. Honestly, i don't know why they didnt ask the delivery people to carry them for us. I mean, im sure they have the brawns more than us right. Oh wells.Plus it was RAINING , so we were all wet and so afraid we'd slip. I wasn't afraid of breaking them! They were so heavy, i was afraid they would fall on my leg and break it ! It took four people to carry one crate and there were 15 crates more or less. Well, it is chinaware.

The day before, we had a buffet function for the SPE ( Society of Petroleum Engineers ) and we worked from 9-12 to prep the restaurant. Usually we would eat at around 11, but we had no time so we just worked all the way til 3. I was so hungry by then, i could eat a cow ! In between i have been stuffing buns into my mouth just to keep my stomach from growling and to avoid gastric. So yup, we had to carry all the heavy silver buffet thingies. I thought they were light, but oh my ! They are not ! Not as heavy as the chinaware, but heavy enough to require two people to carry. There were 6, so we had to go back and forth 6 times. By the 3rd one, my arms already felt like jelly. I really need to work out from now on.

But all in all, i'm pretty much contented now =) Although sometimes people make fun or talk about how old i am and still doing a diploma, really? It use to hurt, to make me feel angry. However, right now, i am happy with myself. Who cares what they think? At least i'm doing something! It's better than nothing. Plus, i'm doing something i actually like. And i still look young =P They all think im 18-19 anyway... Well until they asked me. I still say i'm 21 =D I AM 21!

Ah, one day i will look back at this post and be happy with myself. When i have achieved my goal, i will look back and be happy that i didn't back down. It's never too late to start. Just as long as you are determined to do it =) AND yes i have to go sleep now, if not i'll have no strength to work tomorrow. Nights bloggy /:O

peaceful Ninja

Im fighting back the urge to frighten and awake her =P

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Me against what exactly?

You know how sometimes you are just so angry at yourself, wishing that things would just be right for once. But how many times have things been right but you just don't realize it? We tend to remember the bad ones, appreciate and also fond over them because somehow they bring out the most emotions out of you. I for one admit that i remember my tears more than my laughter.

Pah! I shall stop trying to understand emotions and feelings altogether.

It's not good to give up.

But sometimes it is when you know that certain things will just meet walls or when things are just impossible. It really saddens me when i have to let something go or give things up when i have been holding on for so long. Then again, i wasn't supposed to in the first place. Really. Seriously. I shouldn't have started and i shouldn't have allowed this to happen. Sure, no one got hurt. No one knew and no one realized.

You know how moms use to tell you the kettle is hot and you just had to touch it? Yea, you end up getting hurt.

Taking chances

I have reached a point of my life where i never thought i would ever need to. Looking back at all the years of decisions and dilemmas, they were like kid decisions!

I honestly don't know how to express this feeling of mine. I don't know how to string words together that can explain or even describe my thoughts. As time has passed, i realize how immature my beliefs and thoughts were. How i thought things were forever. How i believed i never had to leave. So many thoughts and beliefs that i'm embarassed to mention. So many which i cannot put into words. Some which i don't know how to word them. 

I never really told anyone how i felt about leaving. I just said i was heavy hearted. Thinking back the many nights when i had to decide what was best and which i had to sacrifice although the answer was obvious. The nights i have soaked my pillow. The nights i stayed up to try to put everything in order and do my last duty before passing over what i was trusted upon. The nights i kept regretting pushing aside my responsibility thinking i had much more time to perfect it and do a good job.The nights where i chided myself for keeping silent on my opinions just because i thought they were not good enough and i was never confident enough to reach my points over. The nights i felt guilty for not building a stronger relationship with them and knowing no matter how much time i spend with them, they might never remember me or that i might never be able to motivate them to stay on or even be someone they can count on. I always thought i had time to warm up into my position and one day be better than what i have been being. Deciding this was so hard and hurtful and tearful because i was leaving behind the world i believe in, the world which was my second home, the world where i fell and stood, the world which made me more confident, the world which made me stronger, the world where i have many people i love.. How can i even state all of them ? However, one of the most important thing was, i'm leaving the world the world which actually believed i could be someone and a world that gave me a chance to be better when i didn't even have faith that i could do it. 

This world was where i learnt to stand up straight, holding my head high without being ashamed of my physical appearance. This was where i learnt to walk without dragging my feet. This was where i learnt to work with people although i preferred working alone. They taught me that winning was not everything. This world brought so many different characters into my life. Some which have inspired me to be better and stood by me when i kept falling down. This place was where i first felt belong. The place that accepted me for who i was. The place that gave me a chance to prove myself better than being just nothing. 

Like i said, i always thought i had a lot of time in this place. I always thought i had more time to spend with the characters. I always thought i never will leave this place. I always thought i would be the only loser that stayed back because everyone would have been gone by then. 

Making this decision was so hard for me. People may think that i'm stupid for wanting to stay. People may think that this would be one of the best decisions i have made. But what people for the matter will never understand is what this place mean to me. I don't know how to explain and i don't think i ever will. The many times i have soaked my pillow and end up getting headaches when i wake up makes me even more heavy hearted each time. Will i ever let this go ? I'm a person who holds on to things very tightly and rarely let go until super long. Sigh, no matter what i write, i don't think i can really describe how i feel and think. 

I should stop typing. I can go on typing all until my tears dry up and fingers ache but i still have to face the reality soon. I just don't know how soon is it. 

Reality is scary.

Lies.

Have you ever felt like something was not right, yet the other person assures you it is?

Have you ever, even after the assurance, still feel like something is not right?

Maybe it's women's intuition, maybe its just coincidence. Honestly, i don't know what it is. What i know is that, it hurts and makes you feel really agitated and moody. 

Finding out truths about someone or somethings can be fun and really fills your curiosity jar most of the time ! Truths can be so comforting, yet disturbing. Truths can be joyful, yet hurtful too. 

Finding out truth can be really dangerous. You just don't know what you might find or what you might discover on the way. Especially if you find out the hard way. 

Yet telling people the truth sometimes takes a lot of courage. Takes a lot of guts to tell people something about yourself that probably only you know about it. Sharing that truth sometimes causes people to change perceptions of you and to the extreme, keep a distance from you too. 

Today. 

I didn't stumble on the truth about something. It was painted right in front of my eyes. Boy did it hurt ! Finding out that way and only after, really makes my stomach churn and the burning feeling to my eyes. 

Push push push ! Sleep it off and push it away from my thoughts. Too many things to focus on this week. Too many things to juggle with this week. I can't afford to lose focus at this moment. What's the use of moping around in self pity and hurt , messing up schedules and datelines? No, i will focus and forget about this. I used to care, used to confront and used to drama all over it. I actually would have, but priority wins. Focus! Because it is more worth it. 

Something New

I was really forgetful and i forgot that i had no Physics class for today. So here i am, stuck and killing time in the library. AND SUDDENLY, i got inspired to start a new blog. I remember in the other blog of mine, i mentioned that i was really unhappy with the blog posts. Temptations crept in for me to delete it but a friend of mine told me  to start another blog instead. She told me no matter how unhappy i am about the blog posts, they were from me. They recorded my happy times, sad times and also anxious times. It IS a read for someday when i'm older ! Maybe i'll have a good laugh then =D

So yup ! Here's to a new start and a new fresh clean slate for me to dirty for me to record my thoughts, rants and opinions! * glasses clinks *